HAPPY FUNNY TUESDAY...11-14-2023

 

 

 Choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, "I'll bet a doughnut wouldn't have done this to me." 

Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eyewitness.  (Mark Twain) 

It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I'm a nice person. 

It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you're supposed to pick out one of your own. I know that now.  

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's seven years in a row, now. 

Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side effects is bad for you. 

I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin. 

I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting. 

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I am sure of is that it will be misspelled and have no punctuation. 

Driver: "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer, "Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle." 

I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches.  He said, "I'll see," & walked away.  I asked another & he also said, "I'll see," & walked away.  In the end, I gave up & found them myself, in Aisle C. 

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two (2) places. He told me to stop going to those places. 

I put our scale in the bathroom corner & that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes. 

When I was a kid, I used to watch the ‘Wizard of Oz’ & wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain. Then I got Facebook. 

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror & think, "That can't be accurate!" 

A guy walks into a lumberyard & asks for some 2x4s.  The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?"  The guy answers, "A long time. We're gonna build a house." 

I just burned 1,200 calories.  I forgot the pizza in the oven. 

Who knew that the hardest thing about being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die? 

Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.

 So, my neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 a.m. 3AM!!! Luckily, I was already up playing the bagpipes.

Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of "The Hoarders," and think, "Wow!  My house looks great."

 

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Albert Einstein