Slim and Franke

Slim and Franke
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Monday, March 23, 2009

When Zombies Attack, a Tutorial

I gave each grandchild a sentence and challenged them to write a story using that sentence and not revealing what their sentence was. The others would try to guess the sentence. Each starting sentence is highlighted in bold in each story.

When Zombies Attack, a Tutorial by Michael, age 14

Have you ever gazed upon an old, long forgotten tombstone and wondered at the possibility that the dead could rise? Have you ever found yourself often cringing in fear beneath your sheets at night like a child at the thought of the undead? Well, your notions are correct, dastardly deeds can occur in the dark. Zombies are real, and very dangerous. In fact, there could be a few prowling the streets of your neighborhood at this very moment. Zombies are an ever-growing threat but don’t be afraid, arm yourself with knowledge. If you carefully follow all of the instructions in this tutorial, zombie troubles will be a thing of the past.

STEP ONE: Know The Zombie

The first step is to know the anatomy of the zombie and how it functions. A zombie is a corpse of a person or animal that is reanimated after death. There are several types of ways that a zombie can be reanimated, such as radiation, the light of a full moon, and different types of chemicals. Also, different types of diseases can turn a living human directly into a zombie. All zombies have only one purpose and need, human flesh and brains. Once a zombie has you sighted it will relentlessly follow you to the ends of the earth. A zombies bite is very infectious and will almost certainly convert you into a walking corpse.

STEP TWO: Killing Time!

Now that you know the zombie its time you learn how to destroy them. There are only two ways to kill a zombie once it has been reanimated, Total dismemberment and decapitation or the destruction of the head. Zombies are corpses so all organs that are vital to us are useless and non-functioning in zombies. Their brains are the only things keeping them alive. Remember, “in the brain and not the chest, head shots are the very best.” Zombies still need legs and arms for transportation so dismemberment is the only other way to send a zombie back to the grave

TIP: NEVER EVER light a zombie on fire! A burning zombie is three times as dangerous as a normal zombie

STEP THREE: Be Prepared

You now know how a zombie functions and how to kill them so now I will instruct you on equipment you must have at all times when dealing with zombies. First the basics. Shovels, baseball bats any bludgeoning instruments to destroy the head will suffice. Also hatchets axes and machetes are good tools. Chainsaws are preferred tools. Next, some more advanced weaponry. Assault rifles, mini guns, sub-machine guns, and machine guns are all great tools for zombie destruction. All of these things are fine tools, but no gun can match the zombie killing power of a good old 12-gauge shotgun. Shotguns are one of the most powerful and well-known killing tools.
You may need explosives for large numbers of attacking zombies. For this I recommend grenades, and remote detonated plastic explosives. Never use flame-throwers. One burning zombie is bad enough, but when you have a multitude of them…

Now that you’ve read my tutorial you should know the basics of defending yourself from a zombie attack. You know the facts, so when you see a group of zombies slowly approaching your front door, you’ll know what to do. Arm yourself with knowledge and reach for your shotgun. Thank you and good night.


  1. How knowledgeable and practical too. Not lacking in imagination either.

    He could write for Wikipedia.

  2. wow, talk about learning how ignorant I am----I would have thought fire would be perfectly fine for getting rid of Zombies, wow am I glad I read this ---have to run, got to go out and get me one of the 12 ga shotguns.

  3. Very informative. Another good tool is a long chain and old video game systems - it can keep those zombies distracted for weeks.

  4. WOW! This one is definitely creative, smart and a good writer!

  5. I think you have a science fiction author in the making.

  6. I think you have a future Stephen King on your hands. Wow! This scared the hell out of me!!

  7. This is definately a boys story....I liked “in the brain and not the chest, head shots are the very best.” lol.

  8. I could have read this without knowing who wrote it and guessed it was Michael's. I do believe they were right about him being the next Stephen King!

  9. He's a great writer. I can tell he has watch the Zombie movies. My boys would watch them all the time. I knew those things about Zombies.

  10. Wow! Michael sure has a vivid imagination. The imaging is good. I could see those zombies walking around my neighborhood and the instructions for killing them shows that he knows a LOT about zombies. Michael definitely has potential.

    Great job!