Antique Granny

Antique Granny

Sunday, November 23, 2014

LAME PEACHES JACKSON

This is the funniest email I have received in ages.  Just have to share it to make you laugh too.  Don't skip it just because it looks long.  It is a fast and funny read.

MUSIC 101: RULES OF THE BLUES
(unknown author)

1.
Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2.
"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3.
The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4.
The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

5.
Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6.
Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7.
Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8.
A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.

9.
You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10.
Good places for the Blues:

a. Highway


b. Jailhouse


c. An empty bed


d. Bottom of a whiskey glass


11.
Bad places for the Blues:

a. Nordstrom's


b. Gallery openings


c. Ivy league institutions


d. Golf courses


12.
No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

13.
You have the right to sing the Blues if:

a. You older than dirt


b. You blind


c. You shot a man in Memphis


d. You can't be satisfied


14.
You don't have the right to sing the Blues if:

a. You have all your teeth


b. You were once blind but now can see


c. The man in Memphis lived


d. You have a pension fund


15.
Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

16.
If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues

17.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. Cheap wine


b. Whiskey or bourbon


c. Muddy water


d. Nasty black coffee


18.
The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier


b. Chardonnay


c. Snapple


d. Slim Fast


19.
If death occurs in a cheap motel or a Mississippi Delta shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

20.
Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie


b. Big Mama


c. Bessie


d. Fat River Dumpling


21.
Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe


b. Willie


c. Little Willie


d. Big Willie


22.
Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

23.
Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Melon, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

24.
I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues

Thursday, November 20, 2014

HOUSEWARMING GIFT

Slim about 6 months old.
We had not lived here very long when Slim showed up. She was running with a pack of strays and she was a little less than 6 months old. She almost looked black because she was a tick-infested, scrawny, walking rib-cage of a puppy that moved in through a hail of pellets to become our beloved pet. One of her parents had to be a BMC (Black Mouth Cur) because she has all the characteristics. Slim was/is a good, good beautiful smart doggie!

Ron tried to chase her off in April, 2006, with the other strays but even with pellets flying toward her she got into a crawl and kept on coming. Finally Ron said, “Okay, you can stay.” That was almost nine years ago.

We got her all cleaned up and vet checked but we debated making her a house pet. Ron did not want a dog in the house. He knew she was a good dog by her build and she would make a wonderful farm dog. She was so friendly and happy, I loved her from the get-go and she started right in helping me herd the chickens.

My mom died in 2007 and then next thing I knew, Slim was in the house. Ron simply opened the door to her, knowing she would be a wonderful comfort to me at that time. She is such a good girl and I am always proud when friends and family brag about how smart she is. 

Yes she is smart and so was Ron to recognize her determination to join our family. She remains my best friend especially now that Ron is gone too and we miss him together.

Here is Slim now.
A pampered pet, she always keeps watch and is ready to protect me and all our critters on NOL-NOC Estates.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

C.S.I. WHERE ARE YOU?

And they dare to call themselves "service providers"!! Today, after taking most of the day, DISH repaired my internet service.  This had to be done by replacing my old Wild Blue equipment with the new Excede and forcing a change to a type of service I really did not want.  This cure was finally determined after a couple of months of trying to repair my existing service.  

So the technician left me today a happy camper with faster service and best of all working service even in a winter blizzard.. And now for the kicker.  

When they changed out the equipment they completely deleted my old email and all the attached documentation.  My friends emails, my medical info, my brokerage, my prescriptions, my saved order records, my church group emails, and the saddest of all, the remaining final emails under Ron's old account.  All  the addresses of his Navy buddies, etc.  All gone.  When I called DISH I was told that their reps have a checklist that includes that information so I surely was told.  I doubt that is a detail I would have forgotten. 

I am still in shock with the simple response from DISH.  "It is gone. There is nothing we can do."  All of my dish mail account information is gone, the account is gone, Ron's account is gone.  We all know the television sleuths manage to restore that kind of data all the time so surely DISH can too.

Monday, November 10, 2014

OVER THE RIVER AND THROUGH THE WOODS

Question Of The Week  11-10-14

WHAT DO YOU 
MISS THE MOST 
FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD HOLIDAYS?


Saturday, November 08, 2014

FAT CAMP

Our health week will not end until tomorrow but I will go ahead and give a summary today since tomorrow will be too busy. (We both have the Galaxy S5 phone and use the S-Health program to set and track all our goals.  It is amazing.)

SIS and ME:) SO FAR SO GOOD.  LOL!!!


My sister has been a wonderful coach and inspiration these 6 days.  We have set a daily calorie goal and have not exceeded one time.  We also have walking goal and have exceeded that each day which is a good thing.  
Needless to say I am far behind my sister on our walks and my goal is not as strenuous as hers.
We have also worked together around the property and caught up on chores which hasn't hurt a bit.
We did cheat a bit  using the golf cart to fetch water and feed for critters.

The plan was to change our eating habits and I believe we both have. 
This was a wonderful oven-baked potato with Asian salad and a bit of canned salmon. Sis was in charge of every meal and each snack and I simply ate when and what she said to eat. We also kept track of our water intake to make sure we stayed well hydrated.

Today we will make a large batch of the cabbage soup for me.  She brought some we have shared this week and it has virtually no calories, is delicious and can satisfy sudden cravings so you don't go overboard. (You might be able to guess there is a slight negative to that soup...) 

Parting tomorrow will NOT be sweet sorrow, just sorrow.  We will be on our own to continue the success we have had. I believe we will do it.

Health and habit change has been more important than weight but I have lost 5 pounds.  WhooHoo!  Plus we both feel great!

Friday, October 31, 2014

DIET QUARANTINE

Tuesday my sister will arrive and will stay with me for 5 days.  During that time she is going to plan our meals and our exercise routine.  I moaned and groaned that it was my wish the doctor would just put me in the hospital for a week and monitor my food intake so I could get my weight loss going.  My sister had a light bulb moment and decided to she would come to my home and do that for me as well as for herself (though I have never thought of her as overweight even once.)

I do not plan to even go near the kitchen one time during that five days.  My biggest problem with my hip and my heart disease is caused by my excess weight.  Hopefully this will get me on the right path.  I have tried everything else. 

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

AGAIN AND AGAIN DARN DISH

I awaken each day between 3 and 4 am. Start up computer first thing. Rain usually means no satellite service for my Internet and I wait for the weather to break.

It has nown been almost two weeks that I have not been able to access my Internet until later in the day and the weather has mostly been clear . Calling Dish has me jumping through all kind of hoops. Unplug modem, wait, plug back in. Check cables, jump down turn around pick a bale of cotton. Finally they keep me busy enough until I realize my service just finally comes back up and it has been a Dish service problem all along.

There has been one suggestion from a customer service rep that I upgrade my equipment. That only entails a new contract, less data available and faster speeds. WHAT? Say that again. "Less data?" Me thinks there might be a method to their madness. "Let's get this gals usage reduced by driving her off the old plan."

Are you wondering how I am posting this so early? It is because I have 4G on my phone thank goodness I can do some things but am still crippled without my desk top or my laptop.

Anyone out there with satellite Internet having problems?

Monday, October 27, 2014

HUMAN BONE IS AS STRONG AS GRANITE

Question Of The Week 10-27-14

WHAT IS THE MOST AMAZING FACT YOU HAVE EVER LEARNED?


Be sure and look at my post from yesterday to learn who won the "GUESS WHO" contest and see the photos of the subjects next to the drawings under post titled "NO PAIN NO GAIN".