Slim and Franke

Slim and Franke

Sunday, November 23, 2014

LAME PEACHES JACKSON

This is the funniest email I have received in ages.  Our blog friend RIOT KITTY sent it to me. Just have to share it to make you laugh too.  Don't skip it just because it looks long.  It is a fast and funny read.

MUSIC 101: RULES OF THE BLUES
(unknown author)

1.
Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2.
"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3.
The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4.
The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

5.
Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6.
Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7.
Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8.
A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.

9.
You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10.
Good places for the Blues:

a. Highway


b. Jailhouse


c. An empty bed


d. Bottom of a whiskey glass


11.
Bad places for the Blues:

a. Nordstrom's


b. Gallery openings


c. Ivy league institutions


d. Golf courses


12.
No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

13.
You have the right to sing the Blues if:

a. You older than dirt


b. You blind


c. You shot a man in Memphis


d. You can't be satisfied


14.
You don't have the right to sing the Blues if:

a. You have all your teeth


b. You were once blind but now can see


c. The man in Memphis lived


d. You have a pension fund


15.
Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

16.
If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues

17.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. Cheap wine


b. Whiskey or bourbon


c. Muddy water


d. Nasty black coffee


18.
The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier


b. Chardonnay


c. Snapple


d. Slim Fast


19.
If death occurs in a cheap motel or a Mississippi Delta shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

20.
Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie


b. Big Mama


c. Bessie


d. Fat River Dumpling


21.
Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe


b. Willie


c. Little Willie


d. Big Willie


22.
Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

23.
Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Melon, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

24.
I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues

37 comments:

  1. What a unique fun blog. Thanks for visiting me. Your blues advice sent me into hysterics..... as it reminds me of my granddaughter who writes music. LOL
    I shall return
    Manzanita

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MANZANITA, I am so glad you stopped by here as well! If you liked that post about the Blues then you definitely are my type of person :)

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  2. That is really good. I will have to send it to my brother-in-law who plays in a blues band.

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    Replies
    1. OLGA HEBERT, I am guessing yourbrother will have seen this. How very cool that he has a blues band. Where do they hail from?

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  3. Keb Mo's Muddy Waters is one of my favorite. I do love his blues!!!

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    Replies
    1. TABOR, somehow I knew you would be a blues girl. Never heard of Keb Mo bUT the name is right. LOL

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  4. Hah! The only thing I have going for me is I'm older than dirt. Guess I have no cause to be singing the blues. I have no business singing at all, but that's a whole different story....

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    Replies
    1. ROCKY MOUNTAIN WOMAN, thanks for coming over. You don't have to sing well to make a joyful noise.

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  5. 'Tis true only the ugly and the blue can sing the blues.

    Good one, GA! :)

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    Replies
    1. LEE, thanks. I must give credit where credit is due. RIOT KITTY forwarded it to me.

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  6. I was sent this email and LOVED it.
    And has had me wondering (despite being disqualified) what I would choose for my blues name.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ELEPHANTS CHILD, did Riot Kitty send it to you? She is the one who sent to me. She sure knows me.

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  7. lol lol.. I enjoyed that so much and I got myself a name when they finally see fit to give my a companion dog,

    Shady Sadie Lareau'

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    Replies
    1. SONNY G., love your blues name. Don't recall a President Lareau. LOL

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  8. I guess I ain't gonna be singin the blues, Annie! Much too Yuppified here in CO. Happy Thanksgiving to you.

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    Replies
    1. BARB , not good news. Lots of friends in Colorado bur will have to admit that most are Oklahoma transplants. Like my California friends. LOL Happy Thanksgiving to you too.

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  9. That's cute. Thanks. :)

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  10. And you have to have a dog. Cat owners can be so depressed that they haven't moved off the couch in weeks but true blues has to own a dog. Preferably a hound.

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    Replies
    1. DITCHINGTHEDOG, you got that right.

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  11. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  12. Lets see, I am an older than dirt, ugly white woman--- Can't sing anything--I lip sync Happy Birthday-- but I do to LOVE listening to the blues.

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    Replies
    1. ARKANSAS PATTI, I fear having to start HAPPY BIRTHDAY song.

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  13. Glad you liked it! My favorites were the ones about Slim Fast and Nordstrom being blues-inappropriate ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. RIOT KITTY, thank you so much for sending me this. I put it on my Facebook too.

      Delete
  14. What in tarnation did Maggie Thatcher ever do to you?
    Says it like it is tho'.
    Tottie Limejuice

    ReplyDelete
  15. lol - it's all so blue-y true, Annie. :)

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  16. Lotta Truth right there! Let's see how many I got:
    Whitey
    OLd
    UglY
    Poor
    been wrecked
    lost lover
    can't sing
    shufflehopstep


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  17. Didn't Billie Holiday have a jackleg?
    Wait, what in heck is a jackleg?

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  18. Well, by rights in #22 I can't have the blues, but I can still try to be Blind Lime Madison.

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  19. Fantastic! Thanks for sharing.
    - Myopic Apple Roosevelt

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  20. PAT, please know that Margaret Thatcher is one of my heroes:)

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  21. TALON, "bluey-true"...love it.

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  22. BRIGHID, Okay you qualify. LOL

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  23. CUBE, F.Y.I. a jackleg is an incompetent, unskillful, or dishonest person.

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  24. RIOT KITTY, Thanks a bunch for sending this to me. I posted it on Facebook too. And I see that GB Miller has posted it as well.

    ReplyDelete
  25. SPARKLING RED, " Myopic Apple Roosevelt". What could be better?

    ReplyDelete